Self-love is a concept that can seem abstract, elusive, or even indulgent until we begin the practice of it ourselves. The very idea of loving oneself can sound straightforward, but it holds the power to unlock transformative growth, inner peace, and self-awareness. When I began to actively practice self-love, I found that it wasn’t a one-dimensional endeavor; rather, it was an intricate process that reshaped how I saw myself and the world around me. In this journey, I learned not only how to appreciate my own worth but also uncovered hidden layers of my identity. I came to realize that self-love is not a destination but an ongoing, evolving practice.
This essay reflects on the various lessons I learned about myself through my journey toward self-love—lessons that have fundamentally changed my outlook on life, relationships, and personal growth.
1. I Am More Than My Achievements
From an early age, I was conditioned to think that my worth was tied to my achievements. Whether it was academics, career, or personal accomplishments, I often gauged my value based on how much I had accomplished. The practice of self-love taught me a critical lesson: I am more than what I achieve.
This realization was profoundly freeing. I discovered that my identity is not just the sum total of my external successes or failures. By learning to love myself without attaching my worth to accomplishments, I began to appreciate other facets of my being—my creativity, kindness, and capacity for empathy. Self-love gave me the space to embrace these parts of myself without constantly striving for validation through external accomplishments.
2. My Inner Critic is Not My True Voice
One of the most enlightening discoveries on my self-love journey was recognizing the distinction between my inner critic and my authentic self. For years, I lived under the harsh judgment of my inner voice, which constantly told me I wasn’t good enough, that I was failing, or that I had to do more to earn love and acceptance. This critic was loud, relentless, and at times, overwhelming.
Through practicing self-love, I began to question the authority of this critical voice. I learned that this inner critic was not an inherent part of me but rather a manifestation of external pressures, past traumas, and societal expectations. With time and effort, I started to silence this voice by replacing it with words of kindness, compassion, and encouragement. I realized that my true voice was much gentler and more loving than the critic that had dominated my thoughts for so long.
3. Setting Boundaries is Essential for Well-being
One of the more practical lessons I learned while practicing self-love was the importance of setting boundaries. For much of my life, I believed that being a good person meant being available to everyone at all times, even at the expense of my own well-being. I often prioritized others’ needs over my own, thinking that this was an expression of love and kindness.
However, self-love taught me that setting boundaries is not selfish; it is essential for protecting my energy and mental health. By saying “no” when I needed to and creating limits on how much of myself I could give, I began to honor my own needs. This wasn’t an easy lesson to learn, as it involved unlearning long-held beliefs about sacrifice and worthiness. But over time, I realized that setting boundaries allowed me to show up more fully in my relationships, both with myself and others, because I wasn’t constantly drained or resentful.
4. I Am Worthy of Love, Just as I Am
A pivotal moment in my self-love journey was the realization that I am inherently worthy of love—just as I am. For years, I operated under the assumption that love had to be earned through perfection or through constant giving. Whether it was in relationships, friendships, or family dynamics, I always felt that I had to prove my worthiness by being everything to everyone.
Self-love helped me see that worthiness is not conditional. I don’t need to be perfect, have all the answers, or constantly give to others to be deserving of love. This lesson fundamentally shifted how I approached relationships. Instead of seeking validation or approval from others, I began to cultivate a sense of self-worth that came from within. This newfound sense of self-worth allowed me to approach relationships from a place of abundance rather than lack.
5. Embracing Imperfection is Empowering
I used to think that being imperfect was something to hide or fix. Whether it was flaws in my appearance, personality, or actions, I often felt ashamed of not being “good enough.” However, self-love revealed to me that imperfection is not a weakness but a part of what makes me human. In fact, embracing imperfection became one of the most empowering aspects of my self-love journey.
I learned to stop striving for an unattainable standard of perfection and instead embraced my flaws, quirks, and mistakes as valuable parts of my growth. This shift in mindset helped me become more authentic and vulnerable in my relationships, as I no longer felt the need to present a curated or idealized version of myself. By accepting my imperfections, I not only found more compassion for myself but also for others, realizing that we are all beautifully imperfect in our own ways.
6. Self-Care is Non-Negotiable
Before I started practicing self-love, I viewed self-care as something indulgent or optional. I believed that taking time for myself was a luxury I couldn’t afford amid the demands of daily life. However, as I began to engage in acts of self-love, I realized that self-care is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.
Taking time to care for my physical, mental, and emotional health became a crucial part of my daily routine. Whether it was through meditation, journaling, exercising, or simply taking a break, self-care helped me recharge and reconnect with myself. It taught me that I cannot pour from an empty cup and that nurturing my own well-being allows me to show up more fully in all areas of my life.
7. My Emotions Are Valid and Worth Listening To
Before practicing self-love, I often dismissed or suppressed my emotions, especially the difficult ones like anger, sadness, or frustration. I believed that feeling negative emotions was a sign of weakness, so I tried to avoid them as much as possible. However, self-love taught me that all of my emotions are valid and deserve to be felt, acknowledged, and understood.
Through self-reflection and mindfulness, I began to see my emotions as valuable messengers. They were not something to be feared or avoided but a source of insight into my inner world. I learned to sit with discomfort, allowing myself to feel my emotions fully without judgment. This process of emotional validation deepened my connection with myself and helped me develop greater resilience in the face of challenges.
8. Forgiveness is a Gift I Give Myself
One of the most difficult lessons I encountered in my self-love journey was the practice of self-forgiveness. For years, I held onto guilt and shame for past mistakes, replaying old scenarios in my mind and berating myself for not having done better. This habit kept me trapped in a cycle of self-criticism and regret, unable to move forward.
Self-love taught me the importance of forgiving myself. I learned that holding onto guilt only prolonged my suffering and that true healing came from letting go of the past. By practicing self-forgiveness, I freed myself from the weight of old wounds and allowed space for growth and renewal. Forgiving myself was an act of compassion that helped me break free from the cycles of shame and embrace a future of possibility.
9. Self-Love is an Ongoing Practice
Perhaps the most important lesson I learned in this journey is that self-love is not a one-time achievement or a fixed state. It’s an ongoing, evolving practice that requires patience, commitment, and effort. There are days when I feel deeply connected to myself and others, and there are days when I struggle with doubt or self-criticism. However, self-love has taught me to be gentle with myself on this path and to view setbacks as opportunities for growth.
I’ve come to understand that self-love is not about always feeling good or being perfect. It’s about showing up for myself consistently, even when it’s difficult. It’s about choosing to care for myself, honor my needs, and treat myself with kindness, regardless of external circumstances. This practice has become a foundational part of my life, shaping how I approach challenges, relationships, and personal growth.
10. I Am My Own Best Friend
One of the most beautiful outcomes of practicing self-love is the deep friendship I’ve cultivated with myself. I’ve learned to enjoy my own company, to trust my intuition, and to celebrate my strengths. This inner companionship has helped me develop a sense of security and self-reliance that is not dependent on external validation or approval.
By becoming my own best friend, I’ve learned that I can offer myself the love, support, and encouragement that I used to seek from others. This doesn’t mean that I don’t value my relationships, but it means that I no longer depend on them to fill a void. I’ve discovered that I am whole on my own, and that self-love is the foundation upon which all other forms of love can flourish.
Conclusion
The journey toward self-love has been one of the most transformative experiences of my life. It has taught me invaluable lessons about my worth, my emotions, my relationships, and my ability to grow. While the practice of self-love is ongoing and evolving, it has given me the tools to navigate life with greater compassion, resilience, and inner peace. Through this journey, I’ve learned that I am deserving of love, not because of what I do, but because of who I am—and that, in itself.
© D’vorah Elias 2024
#loveyurself
#chooseyourself
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