If you've ever heard a woman utter this sentence, or if you've said it yourself, you are definitely not alone. In my bespoke life coaching for women...
Why Women Become People Pleasers: Untangling a Cultural Web of Expectations
If you’ve ever heard a woman utter this sentence, or if you’ve said it yourself, you are definitely not alone. In my bespoke life coaching for women practice, I hear this at least once a week from clients who suffer from chronic people pleasing behaviour.
Many of them feel trapped by it and don’t see a way out of this negative and soul-destroying behaviour, mostly because they don’t fully understand where it comes from and how they got to where they are in the present moment. From apologizing needlessly to quietly acquiescing to demands that weigh heavily, women across cultures and generations have often been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs, comfort, and approval over their own well-being.
This phenomenon, popularly known as people pleasing, is deeply woven into many aspects of gender socialization and societal expectations. Women who are actively seeking out self-discovery coaching programs who are concerned about their people pleasing behaviour should certainly look at programs that include assertiveness training skills and self-validation skills.
In the greater scheme of things, goal setting for ambitious women can also include fine tuning their assertiveness skills so they can decrease the amount of people pleasing behaviour they are engaging in over the course of a week because it drains them and depletes their inner emotional resources.
Goal setting for ambitious women
But where does this tendency originate? And more importantly, what can be done to reclaim space for autonomy and authentic self-expression?
Here’s how this all unfolds: Core Psychological Drivers Behind People Pleasing
- 1. Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
At its heart, pleasing people often stems from a profound fear of disconnection.
- Humans are wired for connection. For many, being accepted equals being safe.
- If someone grew up in an environment where love or approval was conditional, they might have learned to “perform” likability to avoid abandonment.
- As adults, this manifests in over-accommodating behaviors—saying yes when they mean no, avoiding conflict, and suppressing their needs.
Example: A woman who was only praised when she helped others may internalize the belief that her worth depends on selflessness.
- Low Self-Worth and Identity Fusion
Many people struggle with inner narratives that question their value unless they’re useful or agreeable.
- Their identity becomes fused with others’ opinions: “If they’re happy with me, I’m OK.”
- Saying no feels like rejecting a role they’ve been taught to play—one tied deeply to their self-concept.
Fun fact: The brain’s ventromedial prefrontal cortex helps evaluate self-worth. In people pleasers, this area might engage more intensely when receiving external validation.
- Conditioned Empathy and Hyper-Awareness
People are often incredibly empathetic but this wonderful quality has been weaponized by their innate anxiety. It causes them to scan environments for emotional tension and rush to soothe it, often at their own expense. But this is something that can definitely be addressed by good self discovery coaching programs.
- This hyper-vigilant empathy can stem from childhood dynamics—such as growing up with emotionally volatile parents.
It’s a form of emotional radar: tuned so sharply to others’ discomfort that their own needs never make it onto the map.
- Perfectionism and Control
Interestingly, some people pleasing is about control, a surprising revelation. For some, it’s not just simple kindness because by keeping everyone happy, they create a predictable emotional landscape.
- This need for harmony becomes a coping mechanism, especially for those who find uncertainty or criticism intolerable.
It’s not just about avoiding conflict—it’s about carefully managing how others perceive them.
- Trauma Response: Fawning
In trauma psychology, there’s a lesser-known response beyond fight, flight, or freeze and it is called fawning.
- Fawning involves appeasing others to survive psychologically unsafe environments.
- If someone grew up in a household with emotional abuse or unpredictability, they may have learned to placate as a defense especially during conflict.
Even as adults, these deeply embedded responses trigger automatically. Think of old software running on new hardware or in the background.
- Cognitive Dissonance and Guilt
People pleasers often grapple with guilt when asserting themselves.
- Their beliefs about kindness, responsibility, and self-sacrifice clash with their inner desires.
- The brain feels this tension as cognitive dissonance, and guilt swoops in to restore the “kind” identity.
“If I disappoint someone, I’m being selfish.” This belief becomes a loop that’s hard to escape.
Rewiring the Psychological Blueprint
Understanding the why is the first step to change. Here’s how that internal architecture can start shifting:
- Reparenting oneself: Giving yourself unconditional approval rewrites old narratives.
- Internal validation: Practicing self-worth that isn’t dependent on others’ responses builds emotional resilience.
- Mindful boundaries: Learning to tolerate discomfort (like disappointing someone) is key to authentic living.
Origins in Early Conditioning
This people pleasing behaviour is formed at a young age, girls are often taught to be nice. This term “nice”, is seemingly harmless on the surface, but can carry a complex load of expectations: be helpful, don’t argue, smile even when uncomfortable, avoid conflict, and above all else make sure that the whole world likes you. No matter what.
Family conditioning is often the earliest—and most powerful source of people pleasing behavior. It subtly teaches children what earns love, approval, and safety in a household. Let’s break down how those dynamics form and perpetuate:
How Family Conditioning Sparks People Pleasing
- Conditional Love and Approval
In many families, love may feel conditional rather than unconditional. Love becomes a transactional experience and it manifests in ways seen below:
- Parents might praise children only when they behave “correctly” by helping, complying, or being polite.
- A child learns: “I get approval when I make others happy. If I assert myself, I risk rejection.”
Over time, this approval-seeking becomes deeply wired into the nervous system as a survival strategy.
- Parentification and Emotional Labor
Some children take on roles that go far beyond what’s age-appropriate.
- In families with dysfunction, illness, or emotional instability, children may feel responsible for the emotional well-being of a parent or sibling.
- They become peacekeepers, fixers, or listeners and in doing so learn to prioritize others’ needs above their own.
This creates a template for the young girl that she learns to implement in her life because her emotional survival depends on it and this is:
“My value comes from being helpful, even when I’m overwhelmed.”
- Modeling Through Generational Patterns
People pleasing is often passed down like a family heirloom.
- A mother who constantly appeases others may unintentionally teach her daughter that self-sacrifice equals good womanhood.
- Male figures may reinforce passivity by rewarding compliance and punishing defiance.
Family scripts get written early and because of this they become entrenched and are rarely challenged.
- Fear-Based Discipline and Conflict Avoidance
In households where conflict is punished or ignored, kids learn to avoid rocking the boat.
- If speaking up leads to anger, criticism, or silence, they develop silence as a defense.
- Agreeableness becomes armour: the child thinks, “If I stay agreeable, I won’t get hurt.”
These learned behaviors follow people into adulthood, especially in romantic or workplace relationships.
- Shame and Self-Criticism
Criticism at home especially when it is chronic or harsh can internalize shame.
- Children exposed to frequent judgment may grow up believing they must constantly prove their worth.
- People pleasing becomes a method for managing shame: “If I do everything right, I won’t feel bad.”
The inner critic becomes a lifelong companion, constantly pushing for perfection and approval and rebuking the woman when she doesn’t “do it right” for whatever reason.
- Educational environments: Studies have shown that teachers unconsciously reward female students for behavior that is compliant, quiet, and nurturing, while boys are more often praised for assertiveness and leadership. Over time, girls internalize that value comes not just from performance but from harmony.
- Media portrayals: From Disney princesses to sitcom mothers, women are frequently depicted as self-sacrificing caretakers who smooth over conflict and offer unconditional support. These narratives subtly reinforce the idea that women are only good when they are good to others.
Psychological Wiring Meets Cultural Pressure
Women are not born people pleasers but we are conditioned early to recognize that psychological traits like empathy and attuneness to social cues make us popular and “liked” and these traits are often supercharged by cultural expectations.
- Fear of rejection: Again, girls are socialized to avoid behaviors that risk alienation or disapproval. This fear follows women into adulthood like a toxic shadow and causes them to over accommodate in working environments, in friendships, and especially in romantic relationships.
- Identity fusion: For many women, being liked becomes synonymous with being safe and secure. The line between “helpful” and “self-erasing” starts to blur when identity depends on external validation.
Generational Echoes and Family Roles
People-pleasing isn’t just about societal roles. It is often a generational pattern.
- Mother-daughter transmission: A woman raised by a mother who modeled self-sacrifice may learn that “good womanhood” equals denial of personal needs. This isn’t always intentional. For the mother, it is often a role taught through her own survival in her own family of origin. Thus, the mother, in turn, teaches it unconsciously to her own daughter as a form of family “tradition.”
- Caretaker dynamics: In families where daughters take on emotional labor from a young age, they internalize the role of peacekeeper. The compulsion to keep others happy becomes a default mode.
The Workplace and the Double Bind
Professional environments often reward assertiveness. Yet for women, assertiveness can be a double-edged sword.
- The likability penalty: Studies reveal that assertive women are often perceived as less likable, while assertive men are viewed as confident. This forces many women into a tightrope act, one in which they must be competent, but not “too aggressive.”
- Emotional labor: Female employees are frequently expected to perform unpaid emotional labor which often entails soothing egos, navigating interpersonal tensions, and being the “office mom.” Refusing these unspoken duties can result in subtle punishments.
Romantic Relationships: The Cost of Approval Seeking
People-pleasing behaviors often intensify in romantic contexts, where fear of abandonment and conditioning around pleasing male partners combine.
- Minimizing desires: Women may downplay their own preferences to avoid confrontation. Whether it’s where to eat, what movie to watch, or how intimacy unfolds—her needs often take a back seat.
- Over-functioning: In dysfunctional dynamics, women may take on more than their share of emotional work to “save” or “fix” their partner, often to their own detriment.
Social Media and the Perfection Illusion
Digital platforms amplify pressure to perform likability. This is the main reason why it is detrimental for young girls to be active on social media platforms.
- Curated identity: Instagram and TikTok reward polished, agreeable personas. The “cool girl” trope or the endlessly supportive influencer reinforces the idea that a woman’s worth is directly tied to her ability to project perfection.
- Cancel culture anxiety: Some women feel a heightened need to be agreeable online to avoid backlash. The risk of being misunderstood or criticized leads to watered-down, cautious expressions.
Reclaiming Boundaries and Autonomy
So, how does a woman shift from people-pleasing to an authentic selfhood?
- Self-awareness: Noticing when a behavior comes from fear rather than choice is the first step. Journaling, therapy, or simply checking in with oneself can illuminate patterns.
- Healthy boundaries: Saying “no” doesn’t make someone rude. Quite the contrary, it makes us honest. Allowing yourself to recognize and appreciate the difference is important. Practicing small refusals can rebuild trust with oneself and instill confidence. Taking an assertiveness skills course This course is designed to teach the basics of assertiveness and give practical examples that ease a woman into feeling comfortable using these techniques.
- Rewriting narratives: Empowerment comes from questioning inherited scripts. Who told you that had to make everyone happy? And what happens if you don’t? Learning how to self-validate your feelings is also important.
Collective Healing and Cultural Change
This work isn’t just individual, it’s something that society needs to embrace collectively.
- Supportive communities: Find spaces that affirm women’s autonomy will help undo the damage of people-pleasing. Women uplifting each other through authenticity fosters radical self-acceptance. These communities can often be found online but be careful that they are truly woman-centred places or you may find yourself right back where you started.
- Representation matters: Media that celebrates assertive, complex female characters can offer new models of being. Not just likable—real.
Final Thoughts: From Pleasing to Being
The tendency for women to become people pleasers isn’t a personal flaw, Far from it: it’s a survival strategy. But what was once necessary can become limiting. Autonomy, joy, and true connection flourish only when authenticity is prioritized over approval.
Changing the Narrative: Healing Family Conditioning
The good news? These patterns aren’t permanent. Here’s how healing starts:
- Reparenting: Give yourself the messages you never received—“You’re enough even when you say no.”
- Therapy and Support: Modalities like family systems therapy or inner child work can help rewire inherited behaviors.
- Boundary Work: Learning to tolerate discomfort around saying “no” is key to rewiring emotional survival patterns.
- Self-compassion: Replace criticism with kindness. You’re unlearning decades of conditioning. Remember that this process requires loving care and self-kindness, not pressure or punishment, the dynamics you learned in your childhood. This is a dynamic you are working to change.
© D’vorah Elias 2025