Why Women Become People Pleasers: Untangling a Cultural Web of Expectations

Why Women Become People Pleasers: Untangling a Cultural Web of Expectations

If you’ve ever heard a woman utter this sentence, or if you’ve said it yourself, you are definitely not alone. In my bespoke life coaching for women practice, I hear this at least once a week from clients who suffer from chronic people pleasing behaviour.

Many of them feel trapped by it and don’t see a way out of this negative and soul-destroying behaviour, mostly because they don’t fully understand where it comes from and how they got to where they are in the present moment. From apologizing needlessly to quietly acquiescing to demands that weigh heavily, women across cultures and generations have often been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs, comfort, and approval over their own well-being.

This phenomenon, popularly known as people pleasing, is deeply woven into many aspects of gender socialization and societal expectations. Women who are actively seeking out self-discovery coaching programs who are concerned about their people pleasing behaviour should certainly look at programs that include assertiveness training skills and self-validation skills.

In the greater scheme of things, goal setting for ambitious women can also include fine tuning their assertiveness skills so they can decrease the amount of people pleasing behaviour they are engaging in over the course of a week because it drains them and depletes their inner emotional resources.

Goal setting for ambitious women

But where does this tendency originate? And more importantly, what can be done to reclaim space for autonomy and authentic self-expression?

Here’s how this all unfolds: Core Psychological Drivers Behind People Pleasing

  1. 1. Fear of Rejection and Abandonment

At its heart, pleasing people often stems from a profound fear of disconnection.

  • Humans are wired for connection. For many, being accepted equals being safe.
  • If someone grew up in an environment where love or approval was conditional, they might have learned to “perform” likability to avoid abandonment.
  • As adults, this manifests in over-accommodating behaviors—saying yes when they mean no, avoiding conflict, and suppressing their needs.

Example: A woman who was only praised when she helped others may internalize the belief that her worth depends on selflessness.

  1. Low Self-Worth and Identity Fusion

Many people struggle with inner narratives that question their value unless they’re useful or agreeable.

  • Their identity becomes fused with others’ opinions: “If they’re happy with me, I’m OK.”
  • Saying no feels like rejecting a role they’ve been taught to play—one tied deeply to their self-concept.

Fun fact: The brain’s ventromedial prefrontal cortex helps evaluate self-worth. In people pleasers, this area might engage more intensely when receiving external validation.

  1. Conditioned Empathy and Hyper-Awareness

People are often incredibly empathetic but this wonderful quality has been weaponized by  their innate anxiety. It causes them to scan environments for emotional tension and rush to soothe it, often at their own expense. But this is something that can definitely be addressed by good self discovery coaching programs.

  • This hyper-vigilant empathy can stem from childhood dynamics—such as growing up with emotionally volatile parents.

It’s a form of emotional radar: tuned so sharply to others’ discomfort that their own needs never make it onto the map.

  1. Perfectionism and Control

Interestingly, some people pleasing is about control, a surprising revelation. For some, it’s not just  simple kindness because by keeping everyone happy, they create a predictable emotional landscape.

  • This need for harmony becomes a coping mechanism, especially for those who find uncertainty or criticism intolerable.

It’s not just about avoiding conflict—it’s about carefully managing how others perceive them.

  1. Trauma Response: Fawning

In trauma psychology, there’s a lesser-known response beyond fight, flight, or freeze and it is called fawning.

  • Fawning involves appeasing others to survive psychologically unsafe environments.
  • If someone grew up in a household with emotional abuse or unpredictability, they may have learned to placate as a defense especially during conflict.

Even as adults, these deeply embedded responses trigger automatically. Think of old software running on new hardware or in the background.

  1. Cognitive Dissonance and Guilt

People pleasers often grapple with guilt when asserting themselves.

  • Their beliefs about kindness, responsibility, and self-sacrifice clash with their inner desires.
  • The brain feels this tension as cognitive dissonance, and guilt swoops in to restore the “kind” identity.

“If I disappoint someone, I’m being selfish.” This belief becomes a loop that’s hard to escape.

Rewiring the Psychological Blueprint

Understanding the why is the first step to change. Here’s how that internal architecture can start shifting:

  • Reparenting oneself: Giving yourself unconditional approval rewrites old narratives.
  • Internal validation: Practicing self-worth that isn’t dependent on others’ responses builds emotional resilience.
  • Mindful boundaries: Learning to tolerate discomfort (like disappointing someone) is key to authentic living.

Origins in Early Conditioning

This people pleasing behaviour is formed at a young age, girls are often taught to be nice. This term “nice”, is seemingly harmless on the surface, but can carry a complex load of expectations: be helpful, don’t argue, smile even when uncomfortable, avoid conflict, and above all else make sure that the whole world likes you. No matter what.

Family conditioning is often the earliest—and most powerful source of people pleasing behavior. It subtly teaches children what earns love, approval, and safety in a household. Let’s break down how those dynamics form and perpetuate:

How Family Conditioning Sparks People Pleasing

  1. Conditional Love and Approval

In many families, love may feel conditional rather than unconditional. Love becomes a transactional experience and it manifests in ways seen below:

  • Parents might praise children only when they behave “correctly” by helping, complying, or being polite.
  • A child learns: “I get approval when I make others happy. If I assert myself, I risk rejection.”

Over time, this approval-seeking becomes deeply wired into the nervous system as a survival strategy.

  1. Parentification and Emotional Labor

Some children take on roles that go far beyond what’s age-appropriate.

  • In families with dysfunction, illness, or emotional instability, children may feel responsible for the emotional well-being of a parent or sibling.
  • They become peacekeepers, fixers, or listeners and in doing so learn to prioritize others’ needs above their own.

This creates a template for the young girl that she learns to implement in her life because her emotional survival depends on it and this is:

“My value comes from being helpful, even when I’m overwhelmed.”

  1. Modeling Through Generational Patterns

People pleasing is often passed down like a family heirloom.

  • A mother who constantly appeases others may unintentionally teach her daughter that self-sacrifice equals good womanhood.
  • Male figures may reinforce passivity by rewarding compliance and punishing defiance.

Family scripts get written early and because of this they become entrenched and are rarely challenged.

  1. Fear-Based Discipline and Conflict Avoidance

In households where conflict is punished or ignored, kids learn to avoid rocking the boat.

  • If speaking up leads to anger, criticism, or silence, they develop silence as a defense.
  • Agreeableness becomes armour: the child thinks, “If I stay agreeable, I won’t get hurt.”

These learned behaviors follow people into adulthood, especially in romantic or workplace relationships.

  1. Shame and Self-Criticism

Criticism at home especially when it is chronic or harsh can internalize shame.

  • Children exposed to frequent judgment may grow up believing they must constantly prove their worth.
  • People pleasing becomes a method for managing shame: “If I do everything right, I won’t feel bad.”

The inner critic becomes a lifelong companion, constantly pushing for perfection and approval and rebuking the woman when she doesn’t “do it right” for whatever reason.

  • Educational environments: Studies have shown that teachers unconsciously reward female students for behavior that is compliant, quiet, and nurturing, while boys are more often praised for assertiveness and leadership. Over time, girls internalize that value comes not just from performance but from harmony.
  • Media portrayals: From Disney princesses to sitcom mothers, women are frequently depicted as self-sacrificing caretakers who smooth over conflict and offer unconditional support. These narratives subtly reinforce the idea that women are only good when they are good to others.

Psychological Wiring Meets Cultural Pressure

Women are not born people pleasers but we are conditioned early to recognize that psychological traits like empathy and attuneness to social cues make us popular and “liked” and these traits are often supercharged by cultural expectations.

  • Fear of rejection: Again, girls are socialized to avoid behaviors that risk alienation or disapproval. This fear follows women into adulthood like a toxic shadow and causes them to over accommodate in working environments, in friendships, and especially in romantic relationships.
  • Identity fusion: For many women, being liked becomes synonymous with being safe and secure. The line between “helpful” and “self-erasing” starts to blur when identity depends on external validation.

 

Generational Echoes and Family Roles

People-pleasing isn’t just about societal roles. It is often a generational pattern.

  • Mother-daughter transmission: A woman raised by a mother who modeled self-sacrifice may learn that “good womanhood” equals denial of personal needs. This isn’t always intentional. For the mother, it is often a role taught through her own survival in her own family of origin. Thus, the mother, in turn, teaches it unconsciously to her own daughter as a form of family “tradition.”
  • Caretaker dynamics: In families where daughters take on emotional labor from a young age, they internalize the role of peacekeeper. The compulsion to keep others happy becomes a default mode.

The Workplace and the Double Bind

Professional environments often reward assertiveness. Yet for women, assertiveness can be a double-edged sword.

  • The likability penalty: Studies reveal that assertive women are often perceived as less likable, while assertive men are viewed as confident. This forces many women into a tightrope act, one in which they must be competent, but not “too aggressive.”
  • Emotional labor: Female employees are frequently expected to perform unpaid emotional labor which often entails soothing egos, navigating interpersonal tensions, and being the “office mom.” Refusing these unspoken duties can result in subtle punishments.

Romantic Relationships: The Cost of Approval Seeking

People-pleasing behaviors often intensify in romantic contexts, where fear of abandonment and conditioning around pleasing male partners combine.

  • Minimizing desires: Women may downplay their own preferences to avoid confrontation. Whether it’s where to eat, what movie to watch, or how intimacy unfolds—her needs often take a back seat.
  • Over-functioning: In dysfunctional dynamics, women may take on more than their share of emotional work to “save” or “fix” their partner, often to their own detriment.

Social Media and the Perfection Illusion

Digital platforms amplify pressure to perform likability. This is the main reason why it is detrimental for young girls to be active on social media platforms.

  • Curated identity: Instagram and TikTok reward polished, agreeable personas. The “cool girl” trope or the endlessly supportive influencer reinforces the idea that a woman’s worth is directly tied to her ability to project perfection.
  • Cancel culture anxiety: Some women feel a heightened need to be agreeable online to avoid backlash. The risk of being misunderstood or criticized leads to watered-down, cautious expressions.

Reclaiming Boundaries and Autonomy

So, how does a woman shift from people-pleasing to an authentic selfhood?

  • Self-awareness: Noticing when a behavior comes from fear rather than choice is the first step. Journaling, therapy, or simply checking in with oneself can illuminate patterns.
  • Healthy boundaries: Saying “no” doesn’t make someone rude. Quite the contrary, it makes us honest. Allowing yourself to recognize and appreciate the difference is important. Practicing small refusals can rebuild trust with oneself and instill confidence. Taking an assertiveness skills course This course is designed to teach the basics of assertiveness and give practical examples that ease a woman into feeling comfortable using these techniques.
  • Rewriting narratives: Empowerment comes from questioning inherited scripts. Who told you that had to make everyone happy? And what happens if you don’t? Learning how to self-validate your feelings is also important.

Collective Healing and Cultural Change

This work isn’t just individual, it’s something that society needs to embrace collectively.

  • Supportive communities: Find spaces that affirm women’s autonomy will help undo the damage of people-pleasing. Women uplifting each other through authenticity fosters radical self-acceptance. These communities can often be found online but be careful that they are truly woman-centred places or you may find yourself right back where you started.
  • Representation matters: Media that celebrates assertive, complex female characters can offer new models of being. Not just likable—real.

Final Thoughts: From Pleasing to Being

The tendency for women to become people pleasers isn’t a personal flaw, Far from it: it’s a survival strategy. But what was once necessary can become limiting. Autonomy, joy, and true connection flourish only when authenticity is prioritized over approval.

Changing the Narrative: Healing Family Conditioning

The good news? These patterns aren’t permanent. Here’s how healing starts:

  1. Reparenting: Give yourself the messages you never received—“You’re enough even when you say no.”
  2. Therapy and Support: Modalities like family systems therapy or inner child work can help rewire inherited behaviors.
  3. Boundary Work: Learning to tolerate discomfort around saying “no” is key to rewiring emotional survival patterns.
  4. Self-compassion: Replace criticism with kindness. You’re unlearning decades of conditioning. Remember that this process requires loving care and self-kindness, not pressure or punishment, the dynamics you learned in your childhood. This is a dynamic you are working to change.

 

© D’vorah Elias 2025

womansuperpowers.com

 

Why Should A Woman Hire A Female Life Coach?

Why Should A Woman Hire A Female Life Coach?

As a life coach for women, I know first-hand that many women experience feeling profoundly “stuck” in their lives, and that it can be a very distressing time for them that can lead to very strong feelings of isolation and desperation. This is particularly true for women who do not have a strong social network of peers or girlfriends. I understand this experience because I went through this myself  during my 50s. It became one of the reasons I decided to become a Life Coach. My four children were grown and away at university, and I felt my sense of purpose dwindling. Even women who are not looking for a confidence building coach per se, can still benefit from working with a female Life Coach for a myriad of reasons I will address in this blog post. Regardless of your reasons, working with a mindset coach for women in London will likely turn into the best decision you have ever made for yourself. I specialize in  helping women gain clarity on what they want and figure out an actionable game plan to achieve those goals.

Feeling “stuck” is a common experience, and for many women, that can stem from a mix of societal pressures, personal fears, and life transitions. Here are a few key reasons:

  1. Cultural and Social Expectations – Women often navigate expectations around career, family, relationships, and personal identity. Trying to meet all these demands can create pressure, leading to self-doubt or hesitation in making changes.
  2. Limiting Beliefs and Self-Doubt – Negative self-talk, perfectionism, and the fear of failure can prevent women from taking steps toward their goals. Many struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like they’re not “good enough” despite their achievements.
  3. Life Transitions – Whether it’s motherhood, career shifts, divorce, or aging, major life changes can leave women feeling uncertain about their next steps or disconnected from their personal ambitions.
  4. Emotional and Mental Exhaustion – Balancing multiple roles—caregiver, professional, partner—can lead to burnout, making it difficult to focus on personal growth or new possibilities.
  5. Feeling Invisible or Undervalued – Some women feel unseen in their careers, relationships, or personal lives. When their efforts go unrecognized, it can erode motivation and make forward movement feel impossible.
  6. Lack of Support or Guidance – Without mentors or a strong support system, it’s easy to feel isolated when navigating challenges. This is where a life coach can be invaluable, providing encouragement and actionable strategies.

The good news is that feeling stuck isn’t permanent. It is a signal that change is needed. Exploring solutions, reframing mindset, and seeking support can open doors to new opportunities.

Women can feel stuck in various aspects of life, often due to external pressures, self-doubt, or uncertainty about the next steps. Here are some common scenarios:

  • Career Stagnation – Feeling unfulfilled in a job but unsure how to transition to something more meaningful.
  • Relationship Uncertainty – Staying in a relationship that no longer feels supportive or fulfilling but struggling to make a change.
  • Identity Shifts – Experiencing a major life transition (motherhood, divorce, retirement) and feeling lost in the process.
  • Financial Limitations – Wanting to pursue new opportunities but feeling constrained by financial insecurity.
  • Fear of Failure – Having dreams and ambitions but hesitating to take action due to self-doubt or fear of judgment.

These feelings of being stuck can be frustrating, but they often signal a need for growth and change. Working with a female Life Coach offers some unique opportunities for women, one of which is the power of female mentorship.

Female Life Coaches Offer The Power Of Female Mentorship

Female mentorship in Life Coaching is more than just guidance; it’s a transformative experience that fosters confidence, resilience, and growth. The unique strength of female mentors lies in our ability to create deeply supportive relationships, offering wisdom shaped by personal experience and empathy.. We help our clients create a vision and action plan by guiding them through structured exercises that clarify their goals and break them down into achievable steps. Here’s how we do it:

  • Visioning Exercises:  We use techniques like visualization, journaling, or guided reflection to help clients articulate their ideal future.
  • Defining Core Values: We encourage our clients to identify what truly matters to them, ensuring their vision aligns with their authentic self.
  • Setting SMART Goals: We help our clients create Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound goals to turn their vision into reality.
  • Breaking Down Action Steps: We assist our clients in mapping out small, manageable tasks that build momentum toward larger goals.
  • Accountability & Motivation: We offer regular check-ins and encouragement to keep clients focused and committed to their plan.
  • We help our clients create Vision boards to give their goals a tangible face and create a way to take them from being just a dream to reality.

Encouraging Confidence & Self-Belief

One of the most profound aspects of female mentorship is its impact on confidence. Many women struggle with self-doubt, impostor syndrome, or limiting beliefs. A strong female mentor provides reassurance, validating experiences, while challenging negative thought patterns. This mentorship helps clients step into leadership roles, pursue ambitious goals, and learn how to trust their instincts  which is something many women lack the ability to do.

Creating Safe Spaces for Growth

A key element of Life Coaching is the ability to hold space for vulnerability and honesty. Female mentors excel at this, and are able to foster environments where clients feel seen, heard, and empowered. These safe spaces allow for deep reflection, encouraging personal breakthroughs and emotional resilience.

Breaking Down Barriers & Opening Doors

Women mentors help dismantle systemic barriers by offering practical strategies to navigate challenges in professional and personal spaces. Through shared experiences, they provide roadmaps for success, from negotiating for better opportunities to balancing ambition with well-being.

Fostering Meaningful Connections

Mentorship is not just about individual growth. It’s also about expanding networks, building communities, and supporting collective success. Female mentors introduce clients to like-minded individuals, opening doors to collaborative opportunities and long-term relationships that drive personal and professional development.

Championing Holistic Growth

Life Coaching guided by female mentors usually takes a holistic approach, recognizing that success is not just about achievement but also about well-being. We encourage our clients to embrace balance, nurture self-care, and honor their full selves.

Female mentorship in Life Coaching isn’t just powerful, It’s a necessary component in the growth of women clients who feel stuck because it cultivates strength, inspires change, and reminds us that success is not meant to be walked alone.

How We Help Women Break Through Limiting Beliefs 

Female Life Coaches use empowerment coaching to help clients break through limiting beliefs. We create a supportive space where our clients can identify negative thought patterns, challenge them, and replace them with more empowering perspectives. Here are some key strategies we use:

  • Rewriting Inner Dialogue: We help our clients recognize self-sabotaging thoughts and reframe them into positive affirmations.
  • Identifying Root Causes: We help our clients explore how limiting beliefs develop, often stemming from childhood experiences, past failures, or societal conditioning.
  • Asking Powerful Questions: We ask our clients thought-provoking questions like “What’s stopping you?” or “How do you know that’s true?”  thus helping our clients uncover hidden barriers.
  • Challenging Beliefs with Evidence: We encourage our clients to find real-life examples that contradict their limiting beliefs.
  • Encouraging Action: We guide our clients in taking small, confidence-building steps toward their goals, reinforcing new, empowering beliefs.

This approach is especially beneficial for women, as societal expectations can contribute to self-doubt and impostor syndrome. By working with a coach, clients gain clarity, confidence, and the tools to rewrite their individual, personal narratives. And, because we know that every client is unique, we foster this through deep listening by using active listening skills.

One way female Life Coaches use evidence to challenge limiting beliefs is by helping clients find real-life examples that contradict their negative assumptions. For instance, if a client believes, “I’m not good enough to start my own business,” a coach might ask:

  • “Has there ever been a time when you succeeded despite self-doubt?”
  • “Do you know someone who started a business with similar challenges?”
  • “What skills or experiences do you already have that prove you’re capable?”

By guiding clients to recognize past successes or external examples, coaches help them reframe their mindset and see that their limiting belief isn’t an absolute truth. This process builds confidence and encourages action.

Female Life Coaches help women navigate life transitions by providing guidance, emotional support, and practical strategies to manage change with confidence. They focus on helping clients redefine their identity, set new goals, and embrace uncertainty as an opportunity for growth. Here are some key ways they assist:

  • Clarifying Values & Priorities: We help our clients assess what truly matters to them, which ensures that their next steps align with their authentic selves.
  • Building Resilience: We provide tools to manage fear, self-doubt, and emotional overwhelm, fostering a mindset that embraces change.
  • Creating Actionable Plans: We help our clients break down transitions into manageable steps, which helps them move forward in an organized, logical way with clarity and purpose.
  • Providing Accountability & Encouragement: We provide regular check-ins and support to ensure women stay motivated and committed to their new path.
  • Navigating Identity Shifts: Whether it’s career changes, motherhood, or personal reinvention, we help our clients redefine their roles and embrace their evolving identity.

Some coaches specialize in career transitions, relationship changes, or personal reinvention, tailoring their approach to each client’s unique journey.

 

Yes, many Life Coaches pursue certifications to enhance their credibility and expertise. While coaching is an unregulated industry, several well-recognized organizations offer certification programs. Some of the most respected certifications include:

  • International Coaching Federation (ICF) – One of the most widely recognized credentials, offering different levels of accreditation based on training hours and experience.
  • Certified Life Coach Institute (CLC) – Provides structured training for aspiring Life Coaches.
  • Coach Training Alliance (CTA) – Focuses on both coaching skills and business development.
    I myself am certified by Coach Training Alliance in the United States.
  • Health Coach Institute (HCI) – Offers dual certification in life and health coaching.
  • iPEC Coaching – Known for its comprehensive training in energy leadership coaching.

Each program varies in cost, duration, and focus.

Building Confidence and Emotional Resilience

Female Life Coaches help their clients build confidence and emotional resilience by guiding them through structured techniques that challenge self-doubt and reinforce self-worth. Here are some key approaches they use:

  • Reframing Negative Self-Talk – Coaches help clients recognize limiting beliefs and replace them with empowering affirmations.
  • Identifying Strengths & Achievements – They encourage clients to reflect on past successes, reinforcing their ability to overcome challenges.
  • Setting Small, Achievable Goals – Confidence grows through action, so coaches help clients take manageable steps toward their aspirations.
  • Providing Accountability & Encouragement – Regular check-ins ensure clients stay motivated and recognize their progress.
  • Developing Self-Compassion – Coaches teach clients to treat themselves with kindness, reducing self-criticism and fostering resilience.

Some coaches specialize in confidence coaching, offering tailored programs to help women embrace their strengths and step into their power

Creating a Vision and Action Plan

Female Life Coaches help their clients create a vision and action plan by guiding them through structured exercises that clarify their goals and break them down into achievable steps. Here’s how they do it:

  • Visioning Exercises – Coaches use techniques like visualization, journaling, or guided reflection to help clients articulate their ideal future.
  • Defining Core Values – They encourage clients to identify what truly matters to them, ensuring their vision aligns with their authentic self.
  • Setting SMART Goals:  We help clients create Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound goals to turn their vision into reality.
  • Breaking Down Action Steps – They assist in mapping out small, manageable tasks that build momentum toward larger goals.
  • Accountability & Motivation: We provide regular check-ins and encouragement to help keep our clients focused and committed to their plan.

© D’vorah Elias 2025

womansuperpowers.com

 

The Double Standard in the Workplace: A Barrier to Women’s Success and How to not Get Stung by it

The Double Standard in the Workplace: A Barrier to Women’s Success and How to not Get Stung by it

Despite significant advancements in gender equality, women still encounter pervasive double standards in the workplace. These hidden biases affect career growth, professional relationships, and can exert a considerable influence on overall workplace culture, creating invisible hurdles that women must navigate daily.

What Is the Double Standard?

A double standard occurs when different criteria judge two groups despite similar circumstances. In the workplace, this often manifests in how people are perceived and treated. While men are applauded for assertiveness, women displaying the same trait may be labeled as “bossy” or “aggressive.” When men take risks, they are seen as visionary, but women doing the same may be deemed reckless or overly ambitious. These disparities shape professional trajectories and influence decision-making in hiring, promotions, and leadership opportunities.

The Impact on Women’s Career Advancement

One of the most detrimental effects of workplace double standards is the disparity in career growth. Women face greater scrutiny when climbing the corporate ladder, often requiring more proof of competence than their male counterparts. Research shows that women tend to receive less credit for their contributions, while men are more likely to be promoted based on potential rather than proven performance.

Additionally, women are disproportionately expected to take on administrative or “office housework” tasks such as scheduling meetings, organizing events, or mentoring new employees while men focus on career-enhancing assignments. This dynamic not only slows women’s advancement but also reinforces outdated gender roles. Learning how to deal with this kind of thing is a key part of stress management for women.

Leadership Challenges

Women in leadership face heightened scrutiny. Traits like confidence and decisiveness, celebrated in male leaders, can be perceived negatively in female leaders. The “likability trap” is a prime example—women must be competent, but they are also expected to be warm and approachable. If they push too hard, they may face resistance or backlash, while their male counterparts are often praised for similar behavior.

Women also encounter higher expectations regarding emotional labor. They are expected to manage workplace relationships, soften difficult conversations, and provide support beyond their job descriptions. These extra expectations place an undue burden on female leaders and can contribute to burnout.

Pay Inequality and Recognition

The double standard extends to compensation and recognition. Women frequently experience wage gaps, with studies showing they earn less than men for the same work. Negotiating salaries is another minefield; while men are encouraged to be firm in negotiations, women asking for higher pay may be seen as pushy or ungrateful. Figuring out how to juggle all these balls will be a huge female mindset transformation for you.

Female mindset transformation

Beyond salary, women often struggle to receive proper recognition for their accomplishments. Their contributions may be attributed to teamwork rather than individual excellence, or they may be overshadowed by male colleagues. This lack of acknowledgment can affect self-confidence and career progression.

Work-Life Balance and Parental Expectations

Working mothers often face additional biases. Employers may assume that women prioritize family over work, leading to fewer leadership opportunities. Mothers returning from parental leave sometimes encounter skepticism about their commitment or ability to handle responsibilities. Meanwhile, fathers are often praised for balancing work and family, reinforcing the outdated belief that parenting is primarily a woman’s responsibility.

Flexible work arrangements, though beneficial, can sometimes reinforce this double standard. Women utilizing parental leave or remote work options may face subtle penalties in career advancement, while men using the same options are less likely to be scrutinized.

How Can We Address These Double Standards?

  1. Unconscious Bias Training: Companies must actively educate employees about implicit biases and create awareness around gender-based disparities.
  2. Equitable Performance Evaluations: Employers should standardize evaluation criteria to ensure promotions and leadership opportunities are based on merit, not gender.
  3. Salary Transparency: Open conversations about pay equity can reduce wage gaps and empower women to negotiate fair salaries.
  4. Sponsorship Over Mentorship: Women benefit from strong sponsorship rather than just mentorship. Sponsors actively advocate for women, helping them secure leadership roles.
  5. Inclusive Work Policies: Encouraging equal parental leave for adults, and ensuring flexible work arrangements benefit all employees equally, can combat traditional stereotypes.

Using Assertiveness in the Workplace to Counter the Double-Standard

Being assertive in the workplace can be a powerful tool for advocating for yourself and making your voice heard. However, it also comes with certain risks, especially for women or individuals from underrepresented groups. Here are some potential challenges:

  • Perceived Aggressiveness – While assertiveness is encouraged, it can sometimes be misinterpreted as aggression or pushiness, particularly when societal norms expect people to be more accommodating.
  • Resistance from Colleagues – Some coworkers may not respond well to assertive communication, especially if they are accustomed to more passive behavior. This can lead to tension in professional relationships.
  • Backlash in Leadership – Women in leadership roles who are assertive may face criticism that their male counterparts do not. For instance, they might be perceived as “difficult” or “too demanding” rather than confident and decisive.
  • Higher Scrutiny – Assertive individuals may be held to a higher standard, expected to continually prove their worth. This can mean facing extra scrutiny in performance evaluations or workplace interactions.
  • Pushback from Supervisors – Some managers may feel uncomfortable with direct or firm communication, especially if it challenges their decisions. Assertiveness can lead to resistance from leadership in certain environments.

How Can We Address These Double Standards?

  1. Unconscious Bias Training: Companies must actively educate employees about implicit biases and create awareness around gender-based disparities.
  2. Equitable Performance Evaluations: Employers should standardize evaluation criteria to ensure promotions and leadership opportunities are based on merit, not gender.
  3. Salary Transparency: Open conversations about pay equity can reduce wage gaps and empower women to negotiate fair salaries.
  4. Sponsorship Over Mentorship: Women benefit from strong sponsorship rather than just mentorship. Sponsors actively advocate for women, helping them secure leadership roles.
  5. Inclusive Work Policies: Encouraging equal parental leave for adults, and ensuring flexible work arrangements benefit all employees equally, can combat traditional stereotypes.

Final Thoughts

The double standard in the workplace is a significant roadblock to gender equality. While progress has been made, persistent biases continue to limit women’s opportunities. Businesses must take an active stance in dismantling these inequities, fostering environments where women can thrive without unfair judgment or additional barriers.

By addressing these challenges, workplaces can cultivate stronger, more diverse leadership and create a fairer professional landscape for all.

Assertiveness remains a crucial skill. When balanced with emotional intelligence and strategic communication, it can lead to stronger career growth and workplace impact. Have you ever found yourself needing to navigate these dynamics in your own experience? Do you think you would benefit from personalized self- discovery sessions offered by Woman Super Powers in Ontario?

 

 

© D’vorah Elias 2025
womansuperpowers.com

My lifelong struggle with anxiety

My lifelong struggle with anxiety

I think I have had anxiety almost my entire life, and it began when I was about 7 years old. But first, I want to back up a bit because this story began long before my seventh birthday. As a child, I was told that I was adopted from a very early age. I think it was because my parents wanted to reinforce for me that I was a very wanted child. My mother had surgery when she was very young, at about the age of  21 years and she lost one of her ovaries because of it. My father was later diagnosed with a low sperm count, and these two combined factors meant they were unable to have a child. They both desperately wanted a child, though, and so they decided to adopt. They chose me, a half-Korean, half-Caucasian baby half-way around the world, because I looked like a natural child they might have conceived would resemble. I know they meant well, but knowing that I had been rejected by my birth mother caused a huge amount of panic and anxiety in me. I thought that I must have been a very “bad baby” for my own mother to send me away. This preyed on my mind relentlessly in a roundabout way and nearly drove me mad as I tried to figure out what I had to do to be the very “best little girl” so my new parents would keep me and never send me away, too.

My Dad was a Nisei, a second-generation Japanese, born in Hawaii, grew up under a dictatorial, abusive mother who badgered him and beat him every day. He learned that love was conditional and carried those parenting skills into his fatherhood. From a very early age, I knew that no matter what I did, I could never measure up; I would always make some kind of mistake or disappoint him in one way or another. I have been thinking about this, trying to pinpoint exactly when my anxiety formally started.

I have a very vivid memory of being at Suzy Snider’s birthday party. We were in her parents’ backyard running a potato race, you know the game: you have a potato balanced on a large soup spoon and you are tasked with running the gauntlet (in this case to the fence) and back without dropping the potato. My father stands in the corner of the yard, and after I dropped my potato three times, he advances toward me, yelling. “Pick it up! Pick it up!” I turn to face him and am astounded by the look of pure rage on his face, his eyes bulging,  the vein on his neck throbbing. I bend down, pick up the potato, put it back on the spoon, and start off again. It falls to the ground. Again, he screams at me, “Pick it up! Pick it up!”  I freeze for a moment, then dutifully retrieve the potato and put it back onto the spoon, my hand shaking. I am aware of my face burning with humiliation and shame.

This scene repeats another three or four times until finally, I collapse on the ground, in a puddle of tears and fury. My father comes and stands glowering above me. “You didn’t do a very good job,” he says. I can only nod my head in defeat and continue sobbing.

Variations of this scenario repeated themselves often during my childhood, but I had conveniently forgotten most of those memories. It has only been recently, as I have been examining my lifelong struggle with my anxiety, that I have resurrected them. They are still painful and cause me to feel so much less than the woman I am today, it takes my breath away.

Anxiety is the unwanted gift that keeps on giving again and again

What began as a simple failure to win a race later became an almost unattainable battle to please my father. He was an angry, unforgiving man, and he did not suffer my foolishness or ineptness lightly. Whenever I disappoint him, no matter how insignificantly, his frown would crowd out everything else in my vision, and all I could see was his scowl. I wore this shame like a badge that only a firstborn daughter can bear. And once I had failed in his eyes, there was no way to reclaim my honour, no redemption. It became a very heavy burden to bear.

Fast forward to high school

I transferred to the local high school from parochial school along with my group of six close girlfriends. It was a relatively smooth transition, and we all settled into our new environment easily. I soon became involved with a theatre group that was located across town and busied myself with attending rehearsals and meeting people in that new community. Then one day, my world collapsed when I arrived at school one morning.

We don’t want to be friends with you anymore

I was told that my group of girlfriends no longer wanted to be friends with me. “What?” I simply could not understand why this was happening. They told me that they thought I had become very egotistical and “too big for my britches,” and they were finished with me. This rendered me to a status of persona non grata. They stopped talking to me, even stopped looking at me or acknowledging me in the halls. I was devastated. Once again, I thought it was because I was simply “not good enough,” because apparently, I was not good enough for them anymore. This was internalized as a profound failure on my part, and I sank into a deep depression.

My anxiety went undiagnosed for years. In fact, it wasn’t diagnosed until I was well into my fifties. At that point, I was put on medication to which I soon became addicted, and that was another problem I did not need.

In the intervening years, I met and married my husband, and we had four children together, but my anxiety always simmered on the back burner. It paralyzed me in ways I never knew it could. It kept me from being a good mother because I worried about everything about raising my children. As they grew older, the noise and constant tumult in the house sent me into a tizzy as I strove to control it, and my anxiety spilled out all over my family. I made everyone miserable by cracking the whip to try to keep the house clean. It was a losing battle, but I could not see that for years. The damage I did to my children because of it was enormous.

Anxiety steals your past and your future. I have learned that the only way to not lose myself in the tangles of my anxious mind is to stay firmly rooted in the present, and that is why I practice mindfulness. Mindfulness not only saved me, but it also became my lifeline. Today, my anxiety is mostly under control, or I should say that I manage it much better. It no longer controls my life like it used to. I have learned to live with it and, in some ways, have learned how to make it work for me. By that, I mean I use it to channel my physical energy in different ways: because  I use the energy I get from the adrenaline to fuel my writing and my gardening. It feels good to take that energy and transform it into positive outlets in ways that were never possible for me back in the “bad old days.” My anxiety will probably always be with me, but it doesn’t feel like a demon that is hiding in the back of my closet ready to jump out and devour me when I least expect it. As time went by one of the biggest problems I developed with my anxiety was actually having anxiety about anxiety. I mean, having anxiety because I was constantly worried about when the next anxiety event would occur, how it would manifest and whether or not I would be able to survive it. There were so many times, I was convinced it was going to kill me in the middle of the night. Now, I am able to have a reasonably “normal” life because I no longer have to be on constant lookout for the next big anxiety attack. Having this freedom is a blessing, one that I am fully able to appreciate.

 

 

 

© D’vorah Elias 2025

womansuperpowers.com

 

 

Reparenting for Adults: A Guide to Healing Childhood Wounds and Setting Healthy Boundaries

Reparenting for Adults: A Guide to Healing Childhood Wounds and Setting Healthy Boundaries

Why would a grown up woman want to reparent herself

What is Reparenting?

Reparenting is a process where an adult takes on the role of a nurturing parent to themselves. Here are some reasons why a grown woman might want to reparent herself:

  1. Healing from Past Trauma: If you experienced neglect, abuse, or other forms of trauma during childhood, reparenting can help you address and heal those wounds.
  2. Building Self-Esteem: Reparenting can help you develop a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence by providing the love and validation you may not have received as a child.
  3. Developing Healthy Boundaries: It can teach you how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, which is crucial for emotional well-being.
  4. Improving Emotional Regulation: By learning to soothe and comfort yourself, you can better manage your emotions and reduce anxiety or depression.
  5. Fostering Self-Compassion: Reparenting encourages self-compassion and kindness, helping you to treat yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer to others.

It’s a powerful way to take control of one’s emotional health and create a more fulfilling life. Does this resonate with you or someone you know?

What are the steps involved in reparenting yourself as an adult

Reparenting yourself as an adult involves several thoughtful and intentional steps. Here’s a guide to help you get started:

  1. Self-Awareness: Begin by recognizing the areas where you feel neglected or wounded. Reflect on your childhood experiences and identify patterns that affect your current behavior and emotions.
  2. Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings without judgment and offering yourself the same empathy you would give to a friend.
  3. Setting Boundaries: Learn to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. Learn to embrace the freedom having healthy boundaries gives you. This involves understanding your limits and communicating them clearly to others.
  4. Nurturing Activities: Engage in activities that promote self-care and well-being. This could include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or anything that makes you feel nurtured and cared for.
  5. Positive Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Encourage yourself with words of support and validation.
  6. Seeking Support: Sometimes, reparenting can be challenging to do alone. Consider seeking support from a therapist, a Life Coach, or joining support groups where you can share your experiences and learn from others.
  7. Consistency: Be consistent in your efforts. Reparenting is a gradual process that requires ongoing commitment and practice.
  8. Celebrating Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Recognize the positive changes and growth you experience along the way.

By following these steps, you can create a nurturing environment for yourself and foster emotional healing and growth. Is there a particular area you’d like to focus on or need more information about?

Is it easy to do?

Reparenting yourself can be challenging, but it is achievable with patience and commitment. Here are a few factors to consider:

  1. Emotional Work: It involves deep emotional work, which can be difficult and sometimes uncomfortable. Confronting past wounds and changing long-standing patterns takes time and effort. Recognize that this is a process and won’t be achieved overnight. Give yourself permission to step away from the process if it is becoming too difficult. Doing this is not a “ failure,” it is an act of self-care and self-love.
  2. Consistency: Like any form of self-improvement, consistency is key. Regularly practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and engaging in nurturing activities require dedication.
  3. Support: Having support can make the process easier. Whether it’s from a therapist, a Life Coach, a support group, or trusted friends, having someone to talk to can provide encouragement and guidance. These people can also help you maintain perspective on what you are doing.
  4. Patience: Be patient with yourself. Progress might be slow, and there will be setbacks, but each step forward is valuable.

While it may not be easy, the benefits of reparenting yourself, such as improved self-esteem, better emotional regulation, and healthier relationships, make it a worthwhile endeavor. If you have any specific concerns or need advice on a particular aspect, feel free to ask!

What are common setbacks in reparenting?

Reparenting yourself can be a transformative journey, but it’s not without its challenges. Here are some common setbacks people might encounter:

  1. Resistance to Change: Old habits and thought patterns can be deeply ingrained, making it difficult to adopt new behaviors and perspectives. Expect this to occur and be prepared to challenge these things when they arise. Doing that will help you continue to grow during the journey.
  2. Emotional Overwhelm: Confronting past traumas and emotional wounds can be overwhelming and may trigger intense feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety.
  3. Self-Doubt: Doubting your ability to change or feeling unworthy of self-compassion can hinder progress. Negative self-talk can be a significant barrier. When you experience this, again, challenge the thought and question why you are having them.
  4. Inconsistent Effort: Maintaining consistency in self-care practices and boundary-setting can be challenging, especially during stressful times.
  5. Lack of Support: Without adequate support from friends, family, or professionals, the process can feel isolating and more difficult to navigate.
  6. Impatience: Expecting quick results can lead to frustration. Reparenting is a gradual process, and impatience can cause discouragement.
  7. Relapse into Old Patterns: It’s common to fall back into old behaviors, especially when faced with stress or triggers. Recognizing this as part of the journey rather than a failure is crucial.

Understanding these setbacks can help you prepare for them and develop strategies to overcome them. Remember, progress is often non-linear, and each step forward, no matter how small, is valuable. If you need specific advice or support, I’m here to help!

Would it be beneficial to have help from a Life Coach in this process?

A life coach can be very beneficial in the reparenting process. Here’s how they can help:

  1. Guidance and Structure: A life coach can provide a structured approach to reparenting, helping you set clear goals and develop a step-by-step plan.
  2. Accountability: They can hold you accountable for your progress, ensuring you stay consistent with your efforts and encouraging you to keep moving forward.
  3. Support and Encouragement: Having someone to offer support and encouragement can make the journey less isolating and more manageable.
  4. Tools and Techniques: Life coaches often have a variety of tools and techniques to help you manage emotions, set boundaries, and practice self-compassion effectively.
  5. Perspective: They can offer an objective perspective, helping you see things more clearly and identify areas for improvement that you might not notice on your own.
  6. Motivation: A life coach can help keep you motivated, especially during challenging times, by reminding you of your progress and the benefits of reparenting.

If you feel that having a life coach would be helpful, it might be worth exploring this option. Do you have any specific goals or areas you’d like to focus on with a life coach?

How will I know if I am doing this correctly?

Knowing if you’re reparenting yourself correctly can be gauged by observing positive changes in your emotional and mental well-being. Here are some signs that indicate you’re on the right track:

  1. Improved Self-Esteem: You start feeling more confident and have a better sense of self-worth.
  2. Better Emotional Regulation: You find it easier to manage your emotions and respond to stress in healthier ways.
  3. Healthier Relationships: Your relationships improve as you set and maintain healthy boundaries.
  4. Increased Self-Compassion: You treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times.
  5. Consistent Self-Care: You regularly engage in activities that nurture and care for yourself.
  6. Positive Self-Talk: You notice a shift from negative self-talk to more positive and affirming thoughts.
  7. Resilience: You feel more resilient and capable of handling life’s challenges.

Remember, progress can be gradual and non-linear. It’s important to celebrate small victories and be patient with yourself.

  1. Improved Self-Esteem: You start feeling more confident and have a better sense of self-worth.
  2. Better Emotional Regulation: You find it easier to manage your emotions and respond to stress in healthier ways.
  3. Healthier Relationships: Your relationships improve as you set and maintain healthy boundaries.
  4. Increased Self-Compassion: You treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times.
  5. Consistent Self-Care: You regularly engage in activities that nurture and care for yourself.
  6. Positive Self-Talk: You notice a shift from negative self-talk to more positive and affirming thoughts.
  7. Resilience: You feel more resilient and capable of handling life’s challenges.

Knowing if you’re reparenting yourself correctly can be gauged by observing positive changes in your emotional and mental well-being. Here are some signs that indicate you’re on the right track:

Remember, progress can be gradual and non-linear. It’s important to celebrate small victories and be patient with yourself. If you ever feel uncertain, seeking feedback from a therapist or life coach can provide additional Are there any specific skills required to do this work?

Reparenting yourself involves developing several key skills that can help you navigate the process effectively. Here are some important ones:

  1. Self-Awareness: The ability to recognize and understand your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. This helps you identify areas that need healing and growth.
  2. Self-Compassion: Practicing kindness and understanding towards yourself, especially during challenging times. This skill helps you treat yourself with the same care you offer to others.
  3. Emotional Regulation: Managing and responding to your emotions in healthy ways. Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and journaling can be helpful.
  4. Boundary Setting: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. This involves knowing your limits and communicating them clearly.
  5. Positive Self-Talk: Replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations and encouraging thoughts. This helps build self-esteem and resilience.
  6. Consistency: Being consistent in your self-care practices and efforts to nurture yourself. Regularly engaging in activities that promote well-being is crucial.
  7. Seeking Support: Knowing when to seek help from others, whether it’s a therapist, life coach, or support group. This skill ensures you have the necessary support and guidance.
  8. Patience: Being patient with yourself and understanding that progress takes time. Celebrating small victories and recognizing gradual improvements is important.

Developing these skills can make the reparenting process more effective and rewarding. If you need any tips or resources to build these skills, feel free to ask!

Accepting that change isn’t a  linear process

Change isn’t a linear process because it involves complex and dynamic factors. Here are a few reasons why:

  1. Human Nature: People are inherently complex, with emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that can fluctuate. This variability means progress can be inconsistent.
  2. External Influences: Life circumstances, such as stress, relationships, and unexpected events, can impact your ability to maintain consistent progress.
  3. Learning and Growth: Change often involves learning new skills and unlearning old habits. This process can include setbacks and relapses as you practice and refine these skills.
  4. Emotional Healing: Healing from past wounds and trauma can be unpredictable. Emotions can resurface at different times, requiring ongoing attention and care.
  5. Adaptation: As you change, you may need to adapt to new situations and challenges. This adaptation can cause temporary disruptions in your progress.
  6. Patience and Persistence: Real, lasting change takes time and effort. It’s natural to experience difficulties along the way. Understanding that change is a non-linear journey can help you be more patient and compassionate with yourself. Each step, even if it feels like a setback, is part of the overall process of growth and improvement. How do you feel about navigating these ups and downs?

© D’vorah Elias 2025

womansuperpowers.com