When I say that most of us women are people pleasers, the vast majority will resolutely deny it. But, in my experience it is absolutely true. Why? Because we are raised from childhood to look out for other people, take care of them and do what they ask. But the toll this takes on us is enormous.
It is so difficult for women to set boundaries
As women, we don’t think we are allowed to prioritize ourselves. We are conditioned to only prioritize others: in our families, in our social circles, and in our workplace. When we try to prioritize ourselves we fell guilty and “bad.” because of this conditioning. We may try but the guilty feelings doing so causes us will almost always weigh us down and we stop. This kind of behaviour can set up a vicious cycle of pleasing everyone, feeling angry and burned out, trying to stop doing it and feeling guilty when you do and defeated because you think you “failed” again. Rinse and repeat.
People pleasing is bad for the person who does it
This kind of behaviour will have a long term detrimental effect on a woman. She may feel like no matter what she tries to do, she is never good enough, she may feel that no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t do it all, she may feel so put upon that she becomes angry and wants to withdraw and then that starts the cycle all over again.
People pleasing is also bad for your family
When the people pleaser gets to the point where she just can’t do it anymore and starts to withdraw, that is a bad dynamic for the entire family. Why? Because the family will almost certainly not understand what is happening and why. The children may think they have done something to cause the behaviour. The husband may just get exasperated because he doesn’t understand and he just wants his wife back again. The people pleasure’s mother may get angry because she doesn’t understand what is wrong with her daughter and she just wants the daughter to pull up her socks and get on with it again! Everyone including the people pleaser is suffering, unhappy and confused.
How to address people pleasing behaviour
The first thing that needs to happen is for the people pleaser to understand why they are feeling so unhappy? They need to figure out what boundaries are being violated. This is easier said that done when it comes to people who often have very porous boundaries or none at all. At Woman Super Powers we understand this because this is a common scenario for us. We take the time to listen deeply and help you figure out through careful discussion just what is bothering you and then figure out what boundaries need to be drawn. We teach you why it is okay to set boundaries and then we teach you how to set them in a way that will not alienate the other person and how to enforce them. We walk you through the process so you don’t feel guilty for saying no to the people you love the most. We know this is hard for the vast majority of women to do but we also know that by learning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries, they ultimately set themselves free. Free from anger and resentment, Free from guilt and free from being overwhelmed all the time and demands being placed upon them to which they feel they can not say no.
Learning how to say no is difficult for people pleasers
If you grew up in a family where your mother never said no to anyone, not her husband, not her children and not her friends, then learning how to say may seem like an impossibility. Trust us, we get this. But we also know that with the right set of tools like assertiveness skills, it is much easier than one might think. Because of this, we believe that learning assertiveness skills is one of the most important skills a woman can learn. It is an essential component of every woman’s “life skill tool box”. It is one of the most important ways we teach women how to love themselves from the inside out.
In fact, we think it is so important that we think assertiveness skills should be taught in every grade school but unfortunately, that’s now how the school system works. However, we also believe that it is never too late to learn. Listening how to practice assertiveness skills is relatively easily and we teach you how to use these skills in your every day life. They are, however, like every other skill set, and must be practiced on a regular basis in order to become proficient. That is why we recommend finding a friend with whom you can practice.
Assertiveness Skills are the key to happiness
When you learn how to use assertiveness skills you will recognize a decrease in your people pleasing behaviour very quickly. You will also almost certainly recognize that when you use your assertiveness skills you feel very empowered, confident and self-assured. When I reintroduced assertiveness skills back into my life I found that it didn’t take long for me to feel more vested in myself and my future. I grabbed onto these skills and have never looked back. We are confident that learning assertiveness skills will have a similar outcome for you. Contact us today to get started!
0 Comments